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Unforgivable Words

by Sarah McLaughlin
(North Attleboro, Massachusetts, US)

Lethargic, mute and depressed is how someone would describe me ever since the accident. I walk around as a shell of my old self, but I can't help it, the grief consumes me. Because of me my sister is dead, because of what I had said to her. I can still remember it like it was yesterday. The screaming, the crying, the unforgivable last words I ever said to my sister. This is how I live now, in my own mind, I refuse to speak to anyone for risk of repeating the past. If my last words to her had been "I love you" everything would be different. But no, it had to be "I hate you, you are a horrible human being and an even worse sister." Those words are just repeated in my head, day in and day out, by now I don't even remember what we were fighting about, petty details. All I know is she got behind the wheel of the car, balling her eyes out and ran a red light, now she's gone. My gaunt figure and sleep deprived eyes are a new thing, only in the past six months has it been noticeable apparently, eating and sleeping haven't been very important lately, but I don't notice. When I do fall asleep, all I see is my sister's bloodied and mangled body as the paramedics tried to revive her in the ambulance, the worst was when they finally just stopped, gave up hope. That was when I officially lost it, I don't know what happened after that though, because next thing I knew I was in a hospital bed with my parents telling me the tragic news. Last night it was different though, I'm not really sure what to make of it. We were at the scene of the accident but this time I was watching everything unfold, I watched myself breakdown, my little sister's screams, my mother and father collapse in despair, everything I missed when I was selfishly focusing on me. Then I saw her, my sister, standing a few feet away from me, looking nothing like she did after the accident.
"Sarah, it wasn't you, it was me." She said to me. "You are not at fault for my death, this is put on me and me only. I know you didn't mean what you said, I know you love me and I need you to know that I love you. This is no way for you to live, help yourself." I never had a chance to respond to her because we both disappeared and I didn't dream for the rest of the night. I have finally come to peace with my sister's death, I am not over it, I never will be, but I am no longer weighed down by guilt

To this day I don't know if it was my sister trying to communicate with me after her death or whether it was my subconscious trying to get me out of the state I was in. But I do know one thing, I am forever grateful for my older sister.

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